The prospect of asking for a divorce from your spouse can be nerve-racking.
But, remember that you’re not alone.
According to the CDC, every year over 745,000 divorces are
filed in the United States.
Whether you’re done staying together just for the kids or
your spouse has changed (for the worse) during your marriage, getting a divorce
can be a positive life change for couples in turmoil.
When it comes to the difficult topic of how to ask for a
divorce, there are some crucial steps to take before, during, and after “the
Talk” with your spouse.
You need to take some time to reflect and determine if and why you’re ready for a divorce.
What happens during and after “the Talk” is different for
every couple so having a plan will help.
However, be prepared for the conversation to not always go
according to plan and having to make adjustments in the moment.
First, you need to make sure you’re ready for a divorce.
If you’re on the fence, you’ll need to do some
soul-searching before you approach the topic with your spouse.
Asking for a divorce is not a decision you should make
impulsively.
Getting divorced is a lot like getting married, if you feel
like you’re ready, you probably are, and there’s little hope of talking you out
of it.
Dr. Ann Gold Buscho, author of the Psychology Today column “A
Better Divorce,” recommends that potential divorcees seek professional
counseling to help with the decision.
A therapist can provide support during the decision-making
process and help you determine if you’ve explored every possible option to
salvage the relationship.
If you think that you can save the marriage, ask your
partner to consider participating in marriage counseling or a marital education
program.
Marital education programs teach couples to improve their communication and conflict resolution skills.
One program, the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP), has proven to decrease relationship aggression, negative relationship interactions, and the rate of divorce in participating couples.
But, even if you’re confident that the marriage is
unsalvageable, Dr. Buscho recommends imagining life without your spouse and
reflecting on how those thoughts make you feel.
Any emotions—anger, stress, sadness, or even joy—are valid
during the reflection process.
Most importantly, make sure that you haven’t left any stones
unturned in your reflection process.
How To Prepare For “the Talk”
If you’re ready to bring the topic of divorce to the table
with your spouse, there are a 2 crucial steps you need to take beforehand:
- Find
and Maintain Support – Find a supportive friend, relative, or counselor to
confide in throughout the process
- Writing
Down Your Feelings – Organize your thoughts and feelings into a
written document for both preparation and to guide your divorce
conversation
Finding and Maintaining Support
Having support during the divorce process is crucial to your
mental health.
Whether you seek support from a friend, a family member, or
a professional counselor, you’re going to need them more than you think.
Once you find your person, set healthy communication boundaries with them
including the following.
Determine how you want support
- Over
text? Over the phone? Exclusively in person?
- Setting boundaries, like “I won’t make you read novels about my divorce over text,” or “I won't call you with everything that pops into my head” will help prevent your supporter from burnout.
Determine when you want support
- During
a weekly standing appointment? A daily phone call? A weekly Zoom session?
- Having
a set time also prevents supporter burnout but gives you a chance to order
your thoughts and emotionally reflect on your own before asking for
support.
Determine your support needs
- Do you
want your supporter to hold you accountable for saying unkind things about
your spouse?
- Do you
want your supporter to remind you of your goals during the divorce?
- Do you
want your supporter to initiate social activities to relieve your mind
during the divorce?
Finding a supportive person and setting boundaries with them
(for your mutual benefit) is integral to staying mentally well while preparing
to ask for a divorce and during the divorce process.
Writing Down Your Feelings
Before “the Talk,” you need to get all of your thoughts and
feelings out on paper.
Read over what you’ve written. Which things do you need your
spouse to know when you ask them for a divorce?
Order your thoughts into an outline to use during “the
Talk.” You can either memorize your outline or better yet bring it with you to
reference during the conversation.
Avoid accusatory statements like, “You don’t care about me
anymore.”
Instead, focus on your own feelings, and create your outline
by saying “I want a divorce because…” before each bullet point.
Once you have your support system and your written document
ready, you’ll be prepared to ask for a divorce.
How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce
When you feel you’re 100% ready to have “the Talk,” make an
action plan for where the physical conversation will take place, when you’ll
have the conversation, what to say, how you’ll maintain respect, and how to
initiate the conversation (arguably the most challenging part).
Use the tips below to begin making a plan on how to ask for
a divorce.
When to Tell Your Spouse
Just like any other bad news, there’s never going to be a
good time to tell your spouse that you want a divorce. But, there are
definitely situations where you should avoid bringing up divorce.
Don’t tell your spouse during a major life transition.
- Is one
of your children about to leave for college? Consider waiting until your
child is settled in and the home environment adjusts to the change before
bringing up another huge transition.
- Did
your spouse just start a new job? Wait for them to adjust to their new
work environment and workload before starting the divorce conversation.
Don’t tell your spouse during a family event or when any
people could overhear.
- While
you and your spouse will both need a support system during the process,
bringing up a divorce in front of others could embarrass your spouse or
lead to the involvement of unnecessary parties.
- You
will not want to be around strangers in a public place. This is a
conversation that is best handled in when it's just the two of you
together.
Don’t tell your spouse before, during, or immediately
after an important event.
- Did a
friend or family member recently pass away, or did someone close to you
recently get divorced? Perhaps another event took place that was
significant in nature. If so, give it some more time to not confuse the
event with your true desire for divorce.
- Stay
clear of announcing your intentions to divorce with attending a wedding.
Your spouse could associate the divorce with the recently-married couple,
resulting in unnecessary resentment or spoiling positive memories of the
event.
If you have children in the house, wait until they go to bed
or leave for school before initiating the conversation about divorce.
Any other present parties will likely be unable to resist
interjection or uncomfortable feelings, and this should be a conversation
solely between you and your spouse.
Where To Tell Your Spouse
“The Talk” will likely proceed smoothly during a time when you and your spouse are in your home alone or another comfortable private space.
Telling your spouse anywhere in public is likely a bad idea.
If you and your spouse aren’t on speaking terms, treat the
discussion like an appointment.
Ask your spouse, “Can we please talk after the kids go to
bed?” or “Can you and I talk tonight after we get home from work?”
If your spouse attempts to postpone the conversation (“I
have plans with friends tonight,” “Can we watch a movie and talk after?” “But
the game is on,” et cetera), stand your ground. Say, “This is an important talk
we need to have.”
Tell your spouse in a space where they feel they feel
comfortable and can be vulnerable.
If you generally have good conversations in the kitchen or the living room, have “the Talk” there.
Ultimately, only you can decide the best place in your home
to have the conversation.
But, if you and your spouse are no longer living together,
you’ll likely feel most empowered to have the conversation in your primary
residence, not the place where your spouse is living.
Most importantly, don’t ambush your spouse.
What To Say to Your Spouse
Writing down your feelings and turning them into an outline
for the discussion is a great tactic.
But, what will you actually say?
In all likelihood, your spouse will have a lot to say, so
you want your outline to include as much information as you need to get through
everything you need to effectively communicate why you are asking for a
divorce.
You should come up with some important “whys” and include
them in your outline.
Ask yourself, “Why do I want a divorce?” and answer
honestly.
Include these reasons in your outline.
You’re going to have to be as honest as possible during this
conversation.
If you’ve decided that having children is a non-negotiable
for you and your spouse doesn’t want them, say that.
Is your marriage toxic and you can't take it anymore,
they probably feel the same way.
If you can’t look past your spouse’s affair, tell them.
If you just aren’t in love with your spouse anymore, be
honest about it.
Decide when you want a divorce. Do you want to wait until after the holidays? Do you want to wait until your children have finished the school year? Do you want to wait until after you finish your kitchen remodel?
Decide what you want the timeline to look like so that you
and your spouse can prepare for it together.
Decide what you want to do in the meantime.
Do you want to stay in the house together for ease of
communication during the process?
Do you want to move out or for your spouse to move out?
Set expectations, and tell your spouse how you’d like them
met.
You can say all of these things to your spouse at once and
let them respond afterward, or you can discuss each point in the outline one at
a time.
The important thing is to put everything out there that is
important to you, especially when you want to ask for a divorce from a
narcissist.
But, make sure that the content is honest and covers all of the questions you expect your spouse will ask.
How To Say It Respectfully
Speaking respectfully to your spouse may be difficult during
the divorce conversation.
After all, you probably have a lot of emotions running
through your body.
If your partner had an affair, didn’t meet your expectations
in a significant way, or isn’t treating you well, it’ll be easy to let anger
guide your conversation.
But resist the urge to shout or accuse.
Instead, follow your outline that you prepared.
Despite how much you may want to scream or even throw something during the conversation it will be best for you to maintain your composure.
Remember to describe your feelings about the relationship
rather than accusing your spouse.
This is your chance to be honest with your spouse about the
state of your relationship.
If you want them to respect your thoughts and feelings, they
deserve the same respect that you do, even if they have deeply hurt you.
Remaining calm during the conversation may be tough, but
it’s a surefire way to show your spouse respect and make your divorce easier in
the long run.
But, being respectful doesn’t mean disregarding your
personal goals for the divorce.
If you’ve made your intentions clear to your spouse—especially
about what you’d like to do during the divorce process — and they contest or
discount you, stand up for yourself.
Respecting your spouse during the process is just as
important as respecting yourself.
How To Get the Divorce Conversation Started
One of the most critical elements of a successful divorce
conversation is also the most important element of initiating it… honesty.
Don’t beat around the bush.
When you and your spouse sit down to have “the Talk,” you
need to come right out and tell them, “I want a divorce.”
Avoid the temptation of prefaces and false starts.
Your spouse will likely see your preface of “I love you,
but…” or “I’ll always care about you, but…” as in-genuine.
Writing “I want a divorce” down as the first on your outline
will help you commit to saying it first.
Practicing saying “I want a divorce” and the rest of your
outline will help you feel more prepared and confident, which, in turn, will
empower you to jump right into the conversation.
Practice saying the most challenging part out loud, in the
mirror, or to your supporter. “I want a divorce.”
While you’ll get the most utility out of in-person practice, even saying it over the phone or during a video call will help you own your words and gather the courage to say them.
You likely have some sort of socially ingrained stigma
against divorce.
Unfortunately, this is especially true if you’re a woman.
Repeating the phrase will not only make it easier to say it
during “the Talk,” it’ll help you internalize that your situation is common,
normal, and acceptable.
Which it is.
While the best way to start the conversation is to come
right out with it, practice will improve your confidence and empower you to say
what you mean without waffling or stalling.
What To Do After You Had “the Talk”
The first thing to do is reflect.
Return to your journal or do another brain dump to help you
process your post-talk emotions.
Give your partner space to reflect as well, but make a plan
to discuss the divorce again before you leave your talk space.
Set a date and time, and tell your spouse what you’d like to
discuss next time.
Some necessary points to discuss at the beginning of the
divorce process are:
- Will
you be able going with an uncontested or contested divorce
- If
contested, what attorney will you be using
- If
uncontested, will you be using an online divorce website
- Each
party’s desired custody arrangement, if you have children
- When
and how you’re going to tell your children about the divorce
- Who is
going to take care of the pets
- What
each party would like done with your shared assets
- Your
home
- Your
cars
- Jointly
owned real estate
- Tangible
property
- Furniture,
valuables, appliances, and kitchenware, for example
- Whether
you’d each like to retain an attorney to help with the proceedings
- Whether
you’d like to take your case to court or mediation
While you and your partner may not have answers right away
or agree on these items, begin discussing them honestly and calmly.
Don’t talk about them until you and your spouse both have
answers to all of these questions. This will help you avoid unnecessary
conflict.
If one of you has chosen to move out of your shared home,
ask your spouse for help packing if you want it, and offer help to your spouse.
They may say no, but you should respect their decision
either way.
After you and your spouse have children, you need to make a
joint plan to tell them about the divorce.
It’s essential to stay on the same page, show a united
front, and support your children in any way they need during the transition.
Consider enrolling them in counseling during this turbulent
time.
Most importantly, prepare yourself for a life without your
spouse.
Consider taking up a new hobby to begin living a more
individual lifestyle.